Deep Thoughts

Today at work some of the awesome people at my work had an all day meeting thingy, and afterward we stopped on the way home to have some drinks and gab. Honestly, one of things I love about my job are my coworkers. I think I could sit and talk with them for hours and hours. Actually we kinda do. Anyways, I had a good time, and it got me thinking that part of the reason that I love talking with these chicks is because I just don't have many female friends, and I wish that was different for me.

Basically I was a huge tomboy while growing up, so when I was really little, most of my friends were boys as I spent 24/7 on a baseball field as the only girl for the most part. When I got older I went to a bunch of different schools, so even though I did meet some cool people it was hard to get close and form these long lasting bonds. I also have the worst luck with friends it seems, and stupid fights cost me some friends. Over the years of analyzing it I have determined one BF was just mad that I wasn't around 24/7 anymore for her when I went off to school, and was determined to just make my life hell, and said some lies that people believed. The freshman year I was home from college was pretty darn depressing as all my friends were college peeps and none lived locally. I worked 2 jobs that summer not because I needed the money, but because I didn't have any friends. This mean ol BF and actually patched things up over the summer when a mutual girl we knew father was killed. Patched up briefly I guess. We talked on the phone that summer and she apologized to me, and we cried about this girls dad. We hung out at the mall and talked about how it was so great to be friends again. THEN the very next day I was supposed to meet her at this baseball tournament thingy I used to volunteer at to help raise money. I was all excited as it was something I did with her and a few other friends every summer. I was also excited for some socialization, and was hoping that since this chick who had cost me some friends was now my friend again, she would make things right with the others who were going to be there too. I was all excited to go, and be around friends. Well imagine my surprise when I show up to volunteer and I am ignored by this evil BF and others. Seriously, she ignored me, walked off, and told the others not to talk to me,and they didn't. They stood near me though and proceeded to talk about me so I could hear. I was completely confused. This bitch, sorry, but she is, had called ME, sobbed to me about how she was sorry about the loss of friendship and for freaking causing it with others, and we hung out and had fun just a day ago, and now she was black balling me? I didn't get it, and but I wasn't about to hang around. I got up and walked off before I ended up crying in front of everyone. It was an awful ride home to say the least as I bawled and bawled, and tried to thing what the heck was wrong with me for people to do that to me. I just didn't get it, and still don't know why she did that, or why people followed her lead. It was extremely hurtful. I was starved for some friendship that summer and she just crushed me. Funny enough, well actually I guess it's not funny, she invited me to her bridal shower in 2007 after no contact pretty much since then. I take that back, she did instant message me from time to time and had apologized but I figured she was still playing mind games, and didn't forgive her as she cost me friendships and friendships mean the world. So I wasn't going to go to the bridal shower, as I was thinking her mom made her do it or something. I ended up going, and it was ok, but weird. She didn't have many friends there at all actually. She sent me a nice thank you card for the gift and wrote about how she hoped that we could get together when she would come into town, how cute my kiddos were,etc etc. She was nice so I went to her flipping wedding. I spent a lot of time trying to pick out the perfect gift, and mailed it to her. I sent her a friendly card, and I never heard back from her, nor received a thank you card for the gift. Maybe she hated it, maybe she was just being a big bitch again. To this day I have not heard a word from her. I am irritated that time after time I tried to forgive and be a friend and time after time she just would hurt me on purpose. I was always nice to her when we were friends, so I don't get it. I am also still irritated of the others I lost because they just went along with her. I understand they were just believing her, which sucks, but the bottom line is I lost her as a friend, which I am better off, but the others I miss still terribly. Even though I have made peace with them it will never be anywhere close to what we all had before.

So that brings me to my childhood BF's. I don't mean to stir anything up with this one as she reads my blog. But I had a friend who grew up with me, and lived behind my house who I share so many memories with. She had moved away, but we still kept in touch when we could through the computer. When I was planning my wedding I thought it was important that she be in it. She accepted, and I provided the info about how to get the bridesmaid dress, where to go, etc. I was checking to make sure all were ordered and David's Bridal kept telling me hers had not gone through yet. Maybe then she was stringing me along, but I thought David's Bridal was just messing with me, and eventually it did get confirmed that the dress was ordered and she got it. Dave and I got married in September. During that summer before she came into town to be in another wedding and I had hoped we could get together. She came by my work briefly, and that was that. I was just glad to see her even for a second. A few weeks later I got a letter in the mail from her congratulating me my upcoming wedding, but she was very sorry that she would not be able to be a bridesmaid, and she would be sending me the dress in hopes I could find someone else to use it. I was crushed. I took it personal of course, wondering what was wrong with me. I wondered if she thought I was fat and ugly. I wondered if she just hated me for an unknown reason. I just didn't get it, and I never got an explanation, and I doubt I ever will.

Then there's the issues with someone I refer to as a lifelong friend. I don't speak with her anymore as honesty I have not seen her, and she lives a mile away from my house. She and I have drifted on an off over the years, but we had been close the last several years. After a while it seemed she only came around when she needed something. Maybe it was done on purpose, or maybe it wasn't, but I felt like a convience friend. I would go months and months without hearing a peep, and then when things with her husband went sour she would want to hang out, or want me for support. When I was sick and had kidney issues going on she was MIA It got old, and I just decided that there was just no point anymore in maintaining the friendship. Sometimes it just happens you know.

My point in all this- I don't even know if I have a point, but it felt good to get this all out. Basically, tonight just made me happy to be gabbing with girlfriends, and sad to think about how lonely I guess I am. I feel like highschool friendships were ruined by the mean chick. College friendships are great, but no one lives around here. And face it, after school and college its hard to form new friendships. Maybe I have these friend issues because I pick wrong friends, maybe something is just wrong with me rather then them and I just am too blind to see. I tell myself I am a good friend, but maybe I suck. Maybe I just need to shutup as I have gone on long enough and revealed far too much that I have always kept guarded.