Today I ventured in Ann Taylor Loft as they are having a 40% off already marked down items, so I figured I would see if I could find anything there. In the dressing room I got even braver and took in some size 6's and 4's. You wont believe this but their size 4 fits me, and fits well...A bit shocking for me. Seriously I wanted to make an announcement over their PA system. I knew my old crap was baggy, but wow. I found a pair of nice black work pants for $11 (thank you mega sale), a pair of white shorts, and I found a cute top. It's beyond weird to buy a size small in a shirt as well. I had some food issues in highschool and especially my freshman year of college,so even when I was tiny then I felt large and hid behind baggy clothes for the most part, so I can't even remember wearing small sizes. I always picked a size large in shirts , or even xl, and I also raided my dad's closet for some of his shirts, and my dad has never been a small man.
This week I also had went to my doctor for a physical. My labs were perfect, and I got congratulated on my weight loss. Every time when you see the doctors at my office they record your weight and blood pressure. I have been going there since summer 1999, and it was amazing to see I am 5 lbs away from where I was in 1999 before heading back to college to play field hockey. It was depressing to see my weight get wacko years later. But I developed bad eat ting habits, I wasn't active, and ate like it was my job. I should have expected it, but it came on slowly or at least it seemed that way to me, and one day I woke up and I was just fat.
So even though I have done good with the weight loss, I am scared to death I will screw up and the weight will come back on. I know if I eat right, and stay active it wont, and I have to commit to this, but it's still kinda scary as I really for the first time in a VERY long time actually like what I see in the mirror. It's been probably at least 12 years since I felt that way.
Another frustrating part is some coworkers where I work feel I am too skinny. It's makes me paranoid because of my past food issues, but I know I am at a healthy BMI level, and I am at a normal weight for my height, and not underweight. I also am not starving myself, I am eating healthy, I am just not downing french fries, and baked goods that the patients bring in anymore. The dietitian at my work thinks I am doing awesome, and explained to me that our culture is so used to seeing fat Americans, that when we see someone in a healthy weight we think they are underweight. I also think that maybe the whole too skinny thing is because they are not used to seeing me at this weight ever, and the baggy clothes I have worn until I can afford new ones don't help either. I seriously want to bust out the BMI chart and be like, see- this is what I am supposed to weigh, this is what is healthy, and will keep me from developing medical problems. All that matter is that I am finally content, and not disappointed in myself, and can actually see people from my past and not be embarrassed that I am over weight, and wonder if that's all what they are thinking.