I had a rough morning. Yes, I did get up early to read some, but about an hour later my day just went down hill. It was a really busy week for us. I had two sick kids, a lot going on at work, lot's of other committments, etc etc. Anyways, I am in a neighborhood bible study that I find very interesting as it is the first kind of bible study I have ever been in, and I like getting to know my neighbors better. I do continue to feel akward as these woman are obvously at a much different place in their spiritual journey, and I am waayyy younger then them. Not that the age difference is a bad thing, it is what it is. So there were plans to meet for breakfast this morning at a local place with them, and I had told the leader of the group I probably would not be there as my husband would be at work and so I would not have childcare. Ok, so I could have brough them, but I didn't want to waste money on food that they would ask for (tight budget going on) when they had already had a breakfast that morning, and I knew I wouldn't be able to visit, with three kiddos begging for my attention.
So fast forward to 10 minutes before it was supposed to start. My mom called and said my dad would watch them if I wanted to go, and I turned it down as I was still in my pajamas and was now focusing on trying to clean our house. I told her I wouldn't be making it, and then I got another phone call from the head lady, and so then I felt really guilty for not going. I threw my hair up on my head, got dressed, and went, but before I got there I had a mini meltdown in the car.
Some of my thoughts- "I shouldn't even be going, my house looks like crap" "my house never looks clean because everyone just goes behind me and makes messes." " my husband only has one weekend a month home with us, and most of his other days off he's in court so I am always the one doing everything in the house, and he doesn't have a clue how hard it is", "how can the city council in his area sleep at night knowing that they increased their own salaries by %8 a few days before they elected to not give raises to the other city employees for the past 2 years, THEN approve a bonus to head of the department for keeping costs down, and go on to say it might be 2-3 years before anyone gets a raise." "did I leave a candle burning." "do my kids really play with their toys or do they just break everything and shove everything in awkward places." "that does it, I need to hire someone to clean my house again once a month,I just need some help, oh wait, we can't afford it."
So yes I made it to breakfast in a frantic state, and hopefully I hid it well, and then went home to clean and take care of my kiddos. I have been spending the day trying to declutter and organize but I just can't help but feel completely overwhelmed, and when I am working on cleaning or fixing something, I feel like I should be sitting down playing with the kids, creating something together, or taking them somewhere fun. And of course when we do the fun things, all I can think about is how my house is a wreck and I need to be cleaning it.
I am telling myself to keep calm, and maybe just maybe if I can do a lot of cleaning today it will make me relax a little.