What is it about girls and self esteem, and by girls I mean from little girls to women my age. Yesterday I was off, and my little one's speech therapy session was canceled because the therapist was sick, so I decided we should do something fun after school. I called a girlfriend to see if she and her daughter wanted to join us at a park for picnic, and I threw together a lunch for all of us trying to be spontaneous. I don't do a good job with being spontaneous though lol.
I had a good time as well as the kids, and we ran into another mom we know and hung out with her for a while. I stayed until I had to pick up my oldest from school, and then once I got home I hung out with some neighbors, and one stayed with her kiddos until after dinner. It was a fun day, but I couldn't relax as I felt totally insecure and gross about myself.
I had gone to the gym that morning after school drop offs, and when I decided to do the picnic, I hadn't had time to grab a shower, or heck even put on makeup or brush my hair. Since it was hot out I threw on a sleeveless shirt with some jeans. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but once it first gets warm I loath going out in public in shorts or a sleeveless shirt, as I feel like Casper the friendly ghost. So I felt stinky, pasty, and ugly compared to my beautiful friends all day yesterday. I had fun, and enjoyed the company of other friends and their kiddos, but I couldn't relax as I was constantly worrying about them all snickering about me being so crazy looking looking yesterday.
Seriously, once our guests left, I got a shower, and promptly got online and spent $90 on new blush, and an eyeshadow set, determined that these makeup items are going to be life changing for me.
Friends around me are having plastic surgery and losing weight, and despite my 50 lb weight loss I am still not content in my own skin. I have some friends who are trying to talk me into getting a bikini and wearing it in public this year. Last year I bought one for laying out in the backyard in, and I tried to wear it in Nags Head thinking I didn't know anyone there, but I was still paranoid the whole time. The truth is I have awful stretch marks from my first baby, that apparently are a million times worse in my head. My girlfriend made me show her in the plaza bathroom a few weeks ago, and she deemed me crazy. Grant it, a bikini isn't really reasonable for a mom of three to sport at the pool while trying to keep up with the kids, but it would be nice to be able to wear one and feel ok in it, and not feel like everyone is making fun of you.
I know the majority of all my troubles are in my head, and I need to learn to love myself. I know I would be heart broken if my daughters felt the way about themselves that I feel about me. I hope I can do something right with them though, so they don't feel that way ever, but as females, I think we are all destined to feel this way at some point in our life.