Signs...

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I have been feeling like that for a while.  I think it's just a natural feeling for moms, but I was trying to brain storm ways to make it easier on me, or manage it better.  I know I don't do the best job managing anxiety and stress.  In the past I have even taken medication to try to help with it.  I stopped taking it about two years ago or so.  I think it did help somewhat, it helped my mind keep from constantly racing, and helped me not be so snappy, but it also made me lazy, tired all of the time, and though it kept me a lot calmer, the energy was just zapped out of me.  This lead to weight gain, and then being made at myself for not having enough energy to do other things I wanted.  Don't get me wrong, I think medication can be life saving for people, but it can't be something that people use long term.  You have to get to the source of the problem.

I do feel exercising has helped with me relieving stress a great deal. That's generally my "me" time.  Often it's just 1/2 an hour, always no more then 45minutes, but it helps so much for my mood.  I didn't have time to work out yesterday so maybe that's why I was stressed more then usual.

It's really hard being a working mom, but at the same time I am lucky it's only 4 days a week, and it can be flexible.  My husbands schedule is the exact opposite of flexible, with his line of work, and working nights is hard.  I am so jealous of people who have their husbands home every weekend, who work normal hours, and are going to be home every holiday.  But in the other hand I do have that stress, but I am so blessed that my parents help watch the girls when we work, without them I  know our stress would be soooo much greater.

Do I wish I was a stay at home mom?  You betcha, but we have to provide for our children, and this is how it has to be unless we win the lottery. 

I often wish I was involved in more.  I tried to relieve a lot more stress earlier this year, and dropped every commitment with the exception of one which is a woman's organization.  To be honest, I almost dropped out of that too, and had even looked into the process of taken a years leave from it.  I figured I would need something extra for me, and I wanted to be a part of something that does so much good.  However, lately it's been hanging heavy on my heart lately.  With so much going on and making adjustments, I don't feel like I have been pulling my weight on my comittee that I am on.  I know I haven't, but I honestly have not had the time to do what I need to do.  Work has been busy, and when I come home I do even more work with the kids, cleaning, etc, that I feel like the organiztion is just too much for me to handle.  I can't give what I need to, to it, and I feel bad, and I am worried my committee is going to think I am awful.  I was sitting at home last night before I had to go to the meeting  I was trying to make Cheese Straws before I left for it that I had picked to make, those ended in crumbles as I did something wrong.  Then I was doing home work with my oldest daughter, and was trying to rush her so we could finish it before I had to leave, which isn't fair to her when she's just 5, and then I had to wake my husband up so he could get up earlier then usual since I now had to go to the grocery store and buy cheese straws since I goofed on cooking them.  While I was in the store buying them I teared up, and was thinking how I just needed to drop out of this organization too, as I am just not pulling my weight.

I was seriously sitting in the chairs around all of these women, thinking to myself how I just need to get home and get things done and be with my children, when my name is called.  I had won a headband for registering for the 8k.  Then a little later another basket comes out, and everyone who had met another requirement was entered in a contest to win a complete dinner cooked from the cookbooks our organization sells to be prepared and brought to your house to feed your family.  I freaking won that too.  Don't get me wrong, I was really excited to win these things, but I felt awful for sitting there the whole time pretty much just planning on writing a letter to drop out.  I am guessing those are some signs, maybe from God telling me not to.  I feel bad for winning, as there are women who make this organization their life, and do such awesome things, and here I am doing the minimum, and I get these wonderful rewards.    I wish I could be more involved, and I don't know how some of these ladies do it.  I have met some nice ladies, but I have not been able to get really close with anyone as I have just have not been able to take the time to do some of the bonding/social things, and being such a worry wart get the better of me.  I know I need to finish out the year as I committed to it, and I don't like to quit anything, but I hate feeling like I am letting my family down at the same time.  I wish I was a super mom like many of these women seem to be. 

I have to say though, winning that meal meant so much to me, as I am going to have an awesome meal, made for me and my family for free, and wow, that can't be beat!